I got home last night, and the kids had half an hour before bed time. When this happens, I’m usually a good sport about getting them all wound up so they’re exhausted when their head hits the pillow.
Patrick and Robert were rough housing, I was flying Jenna around like an helicopter, and Johnathan and Marni were doing the same, engaging us in aerial dog fights. Naturally, things were loud, stuff was getting knocked over, and everyone was having a blast.
Then the phone rang. THOMAS C. I know no THOMAS C.
I answered, and a female voice started in about carpets. “Oh wow! Carpets!” And the kids eyes lit up with my false excitement. That’s when I realized it was a recording.
I know what you would have done. You would have hung up and not listened to the automated deal. Not me. I waited through to the end, working the kids into a frenzy in the meanwhile.
“Please press 1 to speak with an operator now.”
*Beep!*
“Please hold, an operator will be with you shortly.”
I handed the phone to Marni and then picked her up and the moment I heard the operator answer, I started tickling Marni to bits.
She handed the phone to Patrick, who told the young lady he wanted his mommy. Johnathan caught on as to what was happening — this telemarketer at the other end wasn’t supposed to hang up, -and- she was trying to get the kids to get their mom on the phone.
No such luck. Mom was working. Dad was napping. And unfortunately for her, I was their only source of immediate supervision.
Now, hanging in our kitchen is a list of forbidden words the children are not allowed to use. They made this list for themselves as a reminder that it isn’t nice to call people names like “dummy” and “stupid.”
For whatever reason, Patrick decided he was going to share this list with the telemarketer. That put the kids, as well as myself, into stitches of laughter.
Then he ran out of words.
To his credit, he recovered wonderfully (as he had been doing all this from memory). He started explaining to the telemarketer how he was not going to get his mommy and that he was going to fart and poop on her head. …among other things.
At that point Robert, feeling left out, said aloud (and well enough for her to hear) that he wanted the phone and a chance to fart on her. He demonstrated that he could make noises with his arm pit that the other’s couldn’t.
More fighting, tickling, and rude bodily noises happened. And I could still hear the lady at the other end trying to make sense of things.
When it got to Marni’s turn again, she accidentally hung up by putting the phone down the wrong way.
Oh well, I doubt we’ll be getting carpet service from them for a while.