RICHMOND, Va. — Virginians who wear their pants so low their underwear shows may want to think about investing in a stronger belt.
The state’s House of Delegates passed a bill Tuesday authorizing a $50 fine for anyone who displays his or her underpants in a “lewd or indecent manner.”
Some people think this law is going a little too far. I don’t. In fact, I think this is the best law on the face of the planet.
The sheer fact that I’m a heterosexual is no surprise, I married the opposite sex. As such, after years of study, I’ve concluded I like what they look like.
This law was crafted by sheer brilliance, put under the guise of public protection.
It’s a fact that you’re going to see a thong more than you’re going to see some hip-hop boy’s underwear. Why? Baggy pants usually mean overly long t-shirts. However, low cut jeans typically go with high top thongs. Consequently, this law targets women more than it does men. (And, most likely, this is a subtle jab at bathroom inequality.)
Note that if a woman is on the beach, she can wear a bikini. A bikini is nothing more than colored underwear, and usually it’s wet and form fitting.
Now, if a woman puts on a skirt, and that skirt doesn’t cover the top of the bikini, there’s no distinction from underwear, and she’ll be fined $50.
There are three obvious solutions, each one perfectly acceptable to the appropriateness of this new proposed law.
1) Make a distinction between underwear and bikinis in law, and women will wear swim suits, which opens a whole new line of erotic swimware at Victoria Secret and Fredrick’s of Hollywood — you know these are going to make it to the beaches.
2) Don’t make a distinction by law, and beach going gals will simply fore go skirts, which, complying with the law, shows off more.
3) The vast majority of women will simply discover the magic loop hole, and that’s to not wear any underwear with their low cut jeans. You can’t be fined for what you’re not wearing.
See what I mean? All good.
But wait, it gets even better!
Law is a slippery slope, greased by well intentioned morons.
If the law passes, and let’s hope it does, then by precedence any show of undergarments will be considered lewd. And that includes bra straps!
Why in just a few trial cases, it should be possible to get women completely out of their underwear everywhere from shopping malls to the office.
I bet if we push hard enough, we can have minor fines for panty lines, torn hoses, or failure to wear makeup.
In fact, we could put a tax on ugly women altogether and use that to bail out social security.
If done correctly, we could actually legislate a whole society of scantily clad, artificially enhanced, Barbie doll super models!
Now, with all these hot chicks out there, guys would want to impress them — so they’d get off their sofas, start exercising, and get physically fit. In short order we’d solve a majority of the obesity and health issues.
See the wonders of big government? What’s not to like?