A First Grade Observation

I’ve wasted my life, and it took a six year old to provide the intervention.

Water SlideSo some of our really cool friends who live in the neighborhood hold this amazing backyard party each year, in which they rent an enormous water slide that’s about as tall as their two story house.

The day after the party, their real friends head back over to help clean up. And that was what we were doing tonight.

As it started to rain outside, we all gathered the external lights, furniture, food, tables, and so forth. I made a run for a huge extension cord, feeling that electricity and water wouldn’t mix.

Their little girl decided to help me. And, while untangling the cord, she engages me in the most adult conversation that I’ve had with her in the past three years.

She begins, “So, how come you didn’t go down the water slide with me?”

“Well, we had some friends come over, and they wanted to talk.”

“I know. That’s all you do guys do is talk. It’s so boring.”

Remembering this feeling exactly while I was a kid, I thought I’d get her perspective. “Yeah, I know – what should we be doing?”

She paused, placing her finger on her chin. “I think you should do video games and play board games more.”

With a look that I had been given total enlightenment, I replied: “Oh my gosh, I feel like I’ve just been wasting my whole life away.”

“I know,” she agreed a little too quickly.

“Where’s you learn all this?”

She puffed out her six year old chest with pride. “I’m in the first grade.” And as I took in her achievement, she added “Yes, it’s true. I graduated from pre-school. I’m very, very smart.”

And together we wrapped up the rest of the cord, she carried it in, and I went down stairs to play video games with the adults. Honest to God, cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.

iPee

Did I just have the first recorded iDream, because there was an iPhone in it… I wonder how AT&T is gonna charge this conversation. (Read on to see the conversation, which was just as strange.)

True story.

I was standing at a urinal when my iPhone rings. Now, normally I don’t answer the phone while in a restroom, but I was curious as to who was calling me as I haven’t made the number widely public yet. A huge green banner said it was my wife.

It was at that moment I woke up.

Or, more accurately, half-way woke up.

It was the middle of the night, I was under the covers, and when I turned my head, I could clearly see my wife sound asleep, and beyond her, my iPhone sitting in the charger, dark.

Yet, still half asleep, I could still ‘hear’ my iPhone ringing in my dream. Curious now as to what would happen, I decided as an experiment to answer it. I closed my eyes and instantly I was back in the dream in front of the urinal holding the phone.

I touched the answer button, lifted the phone to my face, and crystal clear I heard my wife say, very annoyed at me: “Clearly, you aren’t getting the symbolism here.” And then she abruptly hung up on me.

So, I put the iPhone in my pocket, woke up, and made my way to the rest room.

[Is this the first recorded iDream?]

The Only Book About Men Women Ever Need

If you had a book entitled “The Only Book About Men Women Ever Need” and could thumb though its table of contents containing questions – what would you expect to see…

The Only Book About Men Women Really NeedMy friend and published author, Danny Adams has expressed interest in writing a book entitled The Only Book About Men Women Ever Need.

In the book, we intend on soliciting questions from women (about men) and giving them an honest, yet humorous slant.

As part of an experiment, Danny used his Live Journal account to see if there was any interest.

There most certainly was.

Check out the comment section on Danny’s blog, and if you’d like, leave questions here or there.

Top Ten Bad EMail Habits

With over ten years of email to sample from, here are the top ten bad habits committed by email senders.

eMailOk, I lied. They’re not ordered, and there’s more than ten. Which ones have your friends plagued you with?

Here’s a list of bad email habits that annoy recipients.

  1. When you reply to an email, don’t hit Reply-All unless you intend to send to everyone.

    For instance, when you RSVP to a party invitation, everyone who’s been invited doesn’t need to know your response.

    There’s a difference between Reply and Reply-All, learn it, and use it wisely.
     

  2. You do not need to insert your response above my email and send the whole thing back to me.

    When you hit reply, many mail clients copy the whole of the sender’s message so that you may reference it. Don’t whack a few returns, enter your response, and hit send. Delete the quoted message.

    I can’t stress how important this is for anyone who wants to maintain a sane thread of conversation. This is especially true for replying to Internet newsgroups and mailing lists.
     

  3. Do not reply by inserting your text into the quoted text, even if you make it a separate color or font.

    The most unreadable email comes when people reply to a message, and then just type after a paragraph – usually without a line break. If the recipient’s mail client can’t preserve the color or font, it becomes unclear who said what.

    Those quote levels are there for a reason.
     

  4. Reply-to-reply-to-reply-to-reply…

    You typically see this on mailing lists where someone responds with a short message, preserving the entire historical chain of messages up to that point. Stop it. If you see more than two levels of quotes, something is dreadfully wrong.

    There’s what you’ve said, there’s what everyone else has said, there’s what you’re saying now. If you see more than two levels of quoting, someone is committing at least one of these bad habits.
     

  5. Check the To and Cc fields before you hit Reply-All

    If you’ve been blind carbon copied to a message, there’s most likely a reason the sender did so — that usually involves not wanting the public recipients to know you were included.

    For instance, I maintain a list of my friends’ birthdays. Quite often, I’ll send a happy birthday greeting, but BCC their other friends as a subtle reminder. When someone hits Reply-All, it lets the birthday person know that someone else had to be reminded.

    Be considerate to the sender when that person trusts you by using BCC.
     

  6. Don’t attach a picture or video you found on the internet.

    Attachments take up space, they make getting mail slower, they take longer to download, they chew up quota. If you found something on the Internet, send the link, not the resource itself. The recipient can then use the most efficient means of getting it.
     

  7. Learn to use image compression

    If you are going to send an email with an image attachment, then at least learn to use image compression so that you have a small attachment. I can’t begin to count the number of times someone’s sent me a megabyte jpeg of something stupid.

    Like the web, try to keep images down to 32K or less, if possible. Be respectful of the other person’s INBOX space.
     

  8. Learn to upload content to a server

    Rather than clogging email with attachments, learn how to beam content up to a server, and then point the recipients at the content. The email will be smaller, often get there faster, not take as much space, and can be pulled from online faster.
     

  9. Keep your signature block small

    I don’t need random quotes. I don’t need legal disclaimers. I don’t need ASCII pictures. I don’t need colors and fonts. I don’t need your picture. I don’t need advertisements. I don’t need a notice a virus checker was used. I don’t need your slogan. I don’t need your logo.

    Plainly put, if your signature block is equal to or larger than the content of your message’s body, something’s wrong.
     

  10. Get a personal account, use it as such

    I hate automated legal disclaimer blocks, especially in signatures, and even more so if they are larger than the message content.

    “The information in this email is confidential,…”

    If you’re sending me an unsolicited personal email from your corporate email and someone thinks that legal block is somehow enforceable, forget it – you can’t just throw a legal stipulation on a person, especially if the mistake is yours. As such, I’m not bound to delete the message, either. This fluff is just annoying, and yes, most likely it comes from your work. So, get a personal account. Use it instead.

    You do know your work is legally allowed to read your private mail when you use their systems, yes? That alone should scare you.
     

  11. Stop attaching your vCard on every email

    If you’ve sent me your vCard, I’ve got it in my address book – I don’t need a copy with every email.
     

  12. Stop using backgrounds for the sake of backgrounds

    It’s one thing if your email has some functional layout and design to it, but if you’re just sending a background for the sake of adding texture, don’t. The most common occurrence I see of this is a repeating tile of textured background. Honestly, plain white is easier to read and prints better. Let’s do without the visual noise and extra attachment overhead.
     

  13. If it’s a short message, use text mode.

    Fonts, formatting, colors, and embedded images convey additional information. If you don’t need it to get your point across or add additional clarity, don’t incur the extra overhead of making an HTML message. Plain text messages are much easier to read and respond to on mobile devices.

    We’ve all seen documents and adds that look busy or appear as font soup; don’t commit the same atrocities with your emails.
     

  14. Stop putting pictures in Word and PowerPoint files

    I can’t count the number of times someone’s wanted to send me a few images, and was so clueless that they had to make an Office document to hold the picture. The amount of waste, inefficiency, and platform specific ties this incurs is mind boggling. I just can’t take people seriously who do this.
     

  15. Don’t blindly forward and email and not tell me why

    I’m not a mind reader, I just play one on TV. Yes, the information forwarded may be pertinent, but unless you establish some kind of context, it may be perceived as junk.

    Never assume the reader of your message is going to get your message in a timely manner, or will be reviewing it with the same mindset or information you have immediately at hand.
     

  16. Don’t use tiny fonts

    A number of corporate emails I get arrive as HTML documents with 6 point fonts. Yes, you might have a pretty poor monitor, and it may appear big on your screen, but if you force me to read something at a fixed size, my huge monitor will render it as the microscopic text that it really is.

    If you want me to read your email, make it readable.
     

  17. Run spell check

    If you’re typing and a word is underlined in red, double check and fix it. Additionally, avoid cell phone abbreviations like using UR for “your.” You’re not limited to 120 characters, and you’re not being charged 10 cents per message. Use enough to be clear.

    Emails are often saved, and consequently searched. If the words in your email aren’t ones entered into a search box, then you’ve made if difficult for someone to find or reference your email.

Why We Pass on the Texas Roadhouse

Could there be a reason we’ve gone from four-nights a week at the Texas Roadhouse to suddenly not going at all for the last half of the year? You bet. They sell steaks.

Let’s do a little compare and contrast for a second.

Not that long ago, I used to attend the Texas Roadhouse in Chantilly, VA an average of three to four times as week. And during those visits, I’d bring business clients, friends, coworkers, and family. The staff and management there knew be my name, and I didn’t even have to tell the wait staff what I wanted – they just brought it to me. What I wanted, of course, was the high end fillet, and would convince others in the group that they had to have one as well. We were always pleasant and fun, never demanding, forgiving of kitchen backlogs, and tipped insanely. Waitresses would fight over who’d get us, and even with a full load, they were happy to add us and management helped with that any way they could.

A number of my friends have noticed that I haven’t stepped foot in the Roadhouse for nearly half a year, have vetoed every suggestion to go back, and have talked our customers and coworkers out of going so much to the point it doesn’t even come up in conversation any more. And, seeing how some of my friends aren’t in the know, I’ll address what’s going on for sake of clarification.

But let’s take a quick digression: what business is McDonald’s in? If you said selling hamburgers, you’re wrong. McDonald’s is in the real estate market. What McDonald’s corporation knows is that if they put a store at a location, it generates traffic. So, it’s to their advantage to buy up a lot of property in the surrounding area, franchise a McDonald’s, and then collect big on rent and improved property values. Smart guys.

Now, back to the real question: what business is the Texas Roadhouse in? If you said steaks, then you’re thinking like the current management, and you’re wrong. The real product, whether they know it or not, is superior customer service. Because, frankly, I can get those steaks elsewhere. It’s the experience (despite the ambiance), that brings me back time and time again, hauling new customers with me each visit.

The Chantilly store was an odd breed, and it wasn’t run in the same manner as other stores across the country. The service manager understood how to build a team that felt like it was family, and they rewarded the store with loyalty and happy, repeating customers. That location never had a problem hiring people, and it didn’t have as many intra-staff social problems, and it consistently blew away whatever national goals were set for it.

Without going into details, prior management wanted to relocate and open another store; but corporate felt things better off not changing things. And, as we know from almost any industry, if you don’t let someone grow, they go. Corporate found themselves scrambling to plug the management hole. They did a bad job. A very bad job.

The problem is, the people they got in there now are under the impression they sell steaks, not customer service, and the place has been going downhill ever since. Sure, there may be enough volume to sustain things for a while, but Texas Roadhouse has slipped from superior to mediocre almost over night. Between Morton’s and Ruth’s Chris – we always used to choose the Texas Roadhouse. Today, I’d rather visit McDonald’s than deal with the Texas Roadhouse. And have.

On our third-to-last and second-to-last visits, we had noticed that service started to suck. The staff spoke badly of management at the tables. No one was smiling. And the atmosphere of fun had simply been replaced with loud. We watched as server after server quit, going to other places like the Cheesecake factory. Prior to this, they were happy being there, even if it meant making less.

The nail in the coffin happened one Friday evening when we had family in town. We had promised my niece steak, and that meant she’d get to see her friends at the Roadhouse. My little niece was smitten with the wait staff and would draw them pictures and give them back rubs.

We arrive around 6pm, and are instantly greeted by our favorite waitress who has just had the fortune of a six-top table opening, which would handle the five adult and one seven year old.

Just as she was about to seat us, the current manager came rushing out telling her she couldn’t do that, that there was someone in front of us. A couple.

He escorted them to the only open table, the six-top, and we waited, being issued a pager.

Now I’m not asking for special treatment, but there was a very sensible partaking of logic that this waitress was trying to execute. It was what she was taught by the prior management that no longer worked there. And, no, it wasn’t about making repeat customers happy. It was basic queue management, and we were about to witness it.

In moments, like clockwork less than a minute later, a two-top table opened up. Only the problem was, we weren’t a party of two. We didn’t fit. And then another opened.

People started coming in for dinner, and were jumped past us in line because a table was open for them. Meanwhile we stood there. Waiting.

Had the waitress been able to do what she wanted, we would have been served, and so would the other couple – and given our past reputation – we would have been an easy table, enabling her to give all her customers better quality attention.

About 30 minutes into it, we were assured a table was going to open up, as a guest had just finished eating. False alarm, they ordered dessert. We were promised 15 minutes.

This went on and on, and my niece interrupted to tell us that she had just learned how to tell time, and it had been much longer than 15 minutes. Right she was.

Another six-top paid their check, but then just continued to sit there. We understand that doing this cuts into the number of customers the waitress sees an evening, so when we’re done, we clear out.

By this time we had lost track of how many other couples and groups of four had entered, eaten, and left.

My sister informed me that we were now past her daughter’s bedtime, and we still had not eaten. Only, I had worse problems to deal with.

My mother, who’s 65 and requires a cane, can’t get up and down easily — she was standing this whole time because it was always going to be “in just a moment.” She just started going into diabetic shakes as her blood sugar was going out of whack.

I ended up hunting down our potential waitress and getting an ounce or so of soda in a small cup, and that was enough to slow the jitters.

All of this happened in the open public forum, with the hostesses just watching the show, and management flipping through paper like there wasn’t a thing that could be done.

We’d been on our feet for about two hours and decided we had had enough. For good.

I hunted down the waitress who had tried to help us out from the start, gave her our pager, said we were sorry (since she knew an enormous tip just left), and we were going elsewhere. She was in the parking lot on break. She was clearly frustrated with what was going on, stating it didn’t used to be like this. We let her know this wasn’t her fault.

To end the evening, what we did was drive to the Malibu Grill, and in the height of their dinner time, walked in, no wait, because they kept tables open for larger sized parties, and were immediately seated and all night had phenomenal service. We ate well, got desserts, and tipped hardily.

My niece announced that was new favorite place, and could we go back when she’s in town. Everyone assured her that would not be problem.

The Roadhouse lost our business not just that night, but our regular business as well, and that of our friends and co-workers that we normally have tag along. My family isn’t thrilled with the prospect of returning there, and the incident has been shared as an interesting story in quite a number of conversations. It is saddening to see a great place just crash.

And, from talking with people who used to work there and are still in touch, our decision was the right one — things have only gotten worse. This wasn’t a bad night, it’s been a trend of a continual downhill slide.

One co-worker fessed up that he went there once after work, and described the experience as simply horrible. He has no interest in returning.

I’ve kept a message on my phone for months dated back in April, in which a friend describes: “Yeah, my experiences at Roadhouse are getting less and less enjoyable. It’s been quite a while since I’ve gone due to the service. Very disappointing.” And that was an unprompted email – I share it with anyone I have this conversation with. It isn’t the food, it’s about the service.

Now I’m not asking to cut in line, and God knows I’ve let other people jump in front of me whether for special needs or just general politeness when someone who looks like they’ve had a hard day, but when there’s a young child and an elderly person waiting an excessive amount of time — you do something. This event wasn’t off management’s radar, it was caused by management’s actions.

That something could have been to start reserving adjacent tables, or perhaps offer a glass of water from the bar. You do not make false promises and act like you’re a victim of circumstances. If need be, open another section and let a waitress who’s willing take the extra load. There are dozens of ways to make the customer experience memorable in a positive way, only it requires one simple attribute: leadership.

Well, that is, unless you think your job is just to sell steaks.

And that works in the short term, but I think we can safely say that Texas Roadhouse isn’t opening as many new stores as they had hoped. Hmm, I wonder why.

Acquiring a Kitten

My sister tricks me into getting a kitten.

With the unexpected passing of Nova, Tamara and I were torn about what to do next. Do we wait? Do we get a kitten? If so, when, and what kind?

While we’re normally fairly picky about the animals we choose, wanting them to have great social skills and comfort with humans, Tamara added another criteria to the mix. She wanted a grey kitten.

She made this announcement as she went down to Ferum to go visit Danny and Laurie for a few days. And, you might imagine my thoughts as I get an email from Danny stating that Laurie has taken Tamara to an animal shelter.

Tamara contacted me, letting me know that many of the cats were adult, feral, or just mean. Nothing interacted with her in the manner that we’ve done so often.

For the curious, Tamara and I usually put a litter down some distance away, sit on the floor, and then call to the kittens. Some small subset usually comes. Those that do, we then pull out strings and see if they’ll play and interact. If they do that, we then sit there idle for a bit and see if they get bored and run off, or whether they stick around. Those that stick around, we hold and see if they’ll stay settled. Those that do, we hold out at arms length, letting their arms and legs hang freely. Some cats freak, others relax and purr, totally trusting. Of those that are content and don’t freak, we flip them on their backs and cuddle them like a baby to see if they’ll stay in that position. We mess with their heads, tails, bellies, and paws to see if they don’t mind being touched. All the while we talk in a regular volume, so the kitten knows what to expect around the house. Few pass this battery of simple tests, but those that have we’ve adopted quickly and given a fantastic home and tons of attention.

But, back to the story.

I get a call from my sister, Connie, who’s wanting to see how we’re all doing since Nova passed away. I tell her we’re passed the hard mourning phase, obviously still miss him, and that Tamara is down near Roanoke and was looking for a grey kitten.

“A grey kitten? I have one!” she perked up.

“You have a kitten? I thought your husband was allergic.”

“He is, it’s over at the neighbor’s house.”

“Where did he come from?”

“Well we were pulling into our driveway and saw her. But she ran. Then the next day we went and coaxed her out of hiding.”

“And she’s grey?”

“Yup. And she has a vertical white line down her face. Wanna come see her?”

Now I had just gotten off of a full day of work and wasn’t feeling much like traveling. So I said I’d call her back.

Just as I hung up the phone, Marcus rings my doorbell. He’s just gotten a new car, and he’s got nothing scheduled and wants to go on a road trip. I tell him about the kitten, and he’s game, especially if Connie would make a batch of her famous chocolate chip cookies.

So, I call Connie back.

“You say it’s a grey kitten?”

“Sure is!! You coming?”

“How old is it?”

“About 4 weeks, maybe. It’s got blue eyes, and is very small. You coming?”

I look at Marcus. He nods. “Sure.”

So Marcus and I get in his car and drive to West Virginia.

Connie whips up some cookies, stalling, and I finally ask to go see the kitten.

WhisperWe go over and when we get inside, there is this cute, loving, purring motor of the sweetest Calico I’ve ever seen.

“Connie…?”

“Mmmm Hhmmm?”

“Uh, she’s not grey.”

“I know, but if I said that, would you have come?”

…well, let’s just say we have a nice kitten, and Tamara and I both adore her.

Nova Passes

Nova passes.

June 6th, 2007 was a little hard for us. Our cat, Nova, died rather quickly and without warning.

Nova, for those who knew him, was the lighter of our two cats and was about 12 years old. Ever since he was a kitten, he displayed numerous engineering traits that were fairly odd for a cat. In particular, he’d open things. I don’t mean he’d push against a door and get lucky, I mean he’d reach under with his paw, and pull a door open — something that required a great deal of force if the air conditioner was on and pressurized the room.

He’s also open kitchen cabinets the same way. He’d open the pantry to get to treats. He’s even slide open the screen door to get a better view of the birds outside.

In particular, his most amazing stunt was opening drawers.

We discovered this feat when we put his some play mice away. When we came back, he had gotten into them all and the drawer was open. Given that the drawer was fairly heavy and had a knob on it, we saw no way he could have done this without an opposable thumb.

So, we put the toys back in the drawer, turned on a video camera, and sat quietly.

Nova looked up as us, realized we wanted him to go in the drawer, so he walked under the end-table, stood on his hind legs, and pushed the drawer from the bottom. It slid out an inch. Then he walked to the front of the end table, put his paws on the lip of the drawer, and pulled backwards. At that point, he stood up further, reached in and got the mice, and dropped them on the floor in front of him, turning to look at us.

This wasn’t an accident. He did it repeatedly. And more so with praise. I have lots of video footage of him doing this, and other things of similar caliber. He was an intelligent problem solver, a trait that couldn’t be said of his orange twin brother.

Everything ended at 6:05pm that Wednesday.

I came home from work, he got out of his sunbeam, walked into the room with us, and then let out an unexpected elongated cry, fell on his left side going into seizures. Withing 45 seconds, he was dead and lifeless. No warning. No notice. No sickness. Nothing. Just, gone.

Hardest Decision I’ve Had To Face

Which is more important, a room full of corporate servers overheating, or the air you have to breath?

This Monday I had the hardest decision I’ve ever had to face at work.

Being the first one to arrive, I heard a terrible sound of struggling server fans. Our landlord had turned off the air-conditioning and closed the door to the server room.

I opened the closet door and was hit with a scalding wave of dry heat. The servers were physically hot to the touch.

So, I set my things down, fired up the A/C, and opened my office door.

Turns out, the prior Friday I had gone to Chipotle and ordered three soft chicken tacos. I ate two, wrapped the other in foil, and forgot to take it home with me.

My office smelled like death, since the taco had been roasting in an air-conditionless office all weekend.

My dilemma? …we only have one small portable office floor fan.

(My office won.)

How’s Work?

I just stumbled onto the worst circular reference ever.

My wife and I went out to lunch, and she asked me how work was going.

“Well, it’s alright… I haven’t been able to spend any time coding, we’ve been in meetings the past few days.”

“How come you don’t just write code?”

“Cause we haven’t discussed the right thing to build, we haven’t had any meetings; …see, we’d been coding.”