Tag: humor

A-w-k-w-a-r-d

As I was leaving the water fountain and returning to my office, a young woman on crutches popped out of an adjoining hallway in front of me. Normally I, and others, would tend to step around — and having been on crutches myself, I can say that I didn’t feel the least bit offended. But, I had read that sometimes this bothers people, so I figured I’d just catch up and slow my pace.

That’s when she noticed me and in the brightest voice said, “Good Morning! How are you doing?”

Surprised, I equally met her energetic tone and responded “Good Morning to you too! I’m doing well, thank you for asking! How are you doing?”

She sighed, “Not that well, actually.” And I took it to mean her foot, so I opened the conversation.

“Oh no! What happened to your foot? Did you slip on the ice?”

She paused and then explained, “No. I had a stroke when I was a baby. I’m like this normally.”

If you don’t want to know, don’t ask.

If you don’t want to know, don’t ask.

An actual conversation that happened right before a meeting started:
“Hey Walt, how ya doing?”
“Sad, depressed, …beaten.”
(chuckle) “Tell us how you really feel!”
(short pause) “Surrounded by dementors.”
(awkward silence — then the meeting began)

That’s How We Get Socks?

I didn’t know there was a server that made socks.

This morning I noticed the sock drawer was empty, as my wife handed me a pair of some very low-cut socks.

“I know you don’t like these for work, but they’ll have to do. I need to get your socks back online.”

“Back online?”

“Sorry, I meant I have to do laundry. Guess, you’re rubbing off on me.”

A Level Perspective

There are a lot of applications available for the iPhone, and thanks to the magic that makes orientation detection possible, some clever person produced an application that visually shows a level, bubble and all.

iPhone Level

Today I was witness to a young child asking to borrow an iPhone, and with much curiosity he opened this particular application.

Unfamiliar with a level, it’s function, or operation, he innocently asked, “What one was supposed to do?”

“You’re supposed to put the bubble between the two marks,” came the adult explanation.

The kid tilted the iPhone back and forth, watching the bubble slide to and fro, and leveled it holding the bubble between the two lines for a moment.

At that moment he blurted out excitedly, “Look, I’m winning!”

Unfortunately, his excitement caused the bubble to shoot to one end, just as I had time to click a picture of the event.

Ugh, wimp.com has video ads

Here’s a case where mini-ads just killed the experience for me, and as a result became a deterrent from visiting a once popular site for me.

I used to be a pretty big fan of wimp.com, a site that collected links to all kinds of interesting videos. Not having much time on my hands, this was the perfect aggregation of interesting content.

Now, when I go visit a link, an ad usually pops up. I have to close it. Then the video starts. And, again, another ad slides up from the bottom, and I have to that add. Then all the while the video is playing, I have a little “AD” box overlaid hoping I’ll press it.

Advertising Fail
The new face of wimp.com — why I’m done.

While I don’t begrudge wimp.com, or other sites, from having advertisements, I really dislike intrusive ads in the video stream.

As such, wimp.com, you’ve just gone from being one of my favorite sites to one of my least visited sites (which means no ad clicks, no ad views, by the way).

The simple solution would have been placing an ad elsewhere on the page, even under the video.

Want to know where the ads should have gone? To the right of the directory listing of links. That’s the page I’m always coming back to.

Another great part of the internet just died for me.

UPDATE 12-Mar-2009: While showing this horrible predicament to a friend the site acted differently; it played the video with no ugly overlays or pre-ads, but displayed an advertisement when done. That is perfectly acceptable! Fantastic compromise guys!

UPDATE 18-Mar-2009: Ugh, now it’s worse — ads pop up while you’re watching, even after you’ve dismissed them.

Amazing Pick Up

I recently visited a family that we’re particularly fond of. I’ve known many of their children since they were but mere infants. It had been a while, perhaps too long, and the infants were now in early grade school.

One little girl, about six, ran up to me, having remembered me lifting her up and flying her around at a much younger age.

“Pick me up!” she exlaimed, hoping to relive old memories. But, I couldn’t help myself. I love ambiguity.

And, in my best lounge lizard voice complied to her request with an awful proposition, “Hey, wanna go back to my place?”

“Yeah!!!” she started jumping up and down.

I looked at her mom, “Wow, ya know, that’s my fastest time yet.” Her mom just shook her head and burried her face in her hand.

So, that, you understand?

This evening a few of us went out to eat. As we walked in the front door the hostess smiled at us, escorting us to a booth that would accommodate our party’s size.

“Excuse me,” I said to her as she was seating us, “which way to the restrooms?”

She looked at me very confused. But, being sure they had some, I deduced what we had was a language barrier.

So, I tried again with a different term. And, briefer. “Bathroom?”

Again, she shook her head indicating she had no clue what I was saying.

Never to be discouraged, and with an audience of many patrons, I said in a baby voice: “Pee pee?”

She instantly smiled, holding back a laugh, and pointed down a hallway. That, she understood.

Chase Me, Pervert

A cute little girl asks me to chase her… so, I do. Next thing I know, she’s running to an adult for protection. D’oh.

So I’m visiting my sister’s church, and after the service I go into the nursery to see if she needs help cleaning up. There’s one little girl left who’s about two years old and cute as a button; she takes an instant liking to me, sharing with me her impression of a lion right after accidentally bouncing a toy off my head.

The adults clean the room and my sister says she knows the parents and scoops the kid in her arms, heading back to the sanctuary to find them. The little girl waves to me playfully as she’s carried out the door to come join them.

When we get to the destination, there’s still a lot of people standing about and having conversations. My sister puts the little girl down who then looks up at me with doe eyes and says “Chase me!”

I tell her I’m tired. But, she insists, “Chase me!”

Fine. I take a false step toward her, and she squeals in delight and goes running down the aisle a few steps before she notices I’m actually not in pursuit.

Stomping her little foot, she declares, “Chase me!”

So, complying, I start to chase her at a slow pace where she’s sure to get away safely. She’s giggling and having the time of her life. She turns the corner, looks over her shoulder, and sees me.

“I’m gonna get you…” and I wiggle my fingers at her. She grins and runs off, with me slowly following.

Then the unexpected happens.

She turns the next corner, goes running up to some set of couples in a post-service conversation, and declares “He’s chasing me! Protect me.” Next thing I know, they’re putting themselves between her and me in a very “I need an adult” kind of manner. I quickly discover that this is one of the pastors’ daughter. While, I, on the other hand, am a stranger that no one at the church recognizes.

Great. Just great.

“She told me to…” I start to explain, and now it’s clear that it’s my veracity that is being tested. The fact that people have cell phones in their hands and 911 on speed dial isn’t helping.

That’s when I see my sister and the pastor who’s the father having a really good laugh at my expense across the room.

Once the group saw that, and joined in, the little girl’s asylum was forfeit; now the chase was real.

My Kid Can Talk

The extent one dad will go through to brag about his kid…

So, I’m leaving Rita’s of Ashburn, and outside there’s a dad holding on to a very young child who’s trying to escape his arms to crawl on the table to go after the colored iceies. He, meanwhile, is boastly bragging to the group of people at the table with him how smart his kid is.

“Well, my kid isn’t even one, and he can talk.”

The other members of his group are rolling their eyes and shaking their heads.

Then, suddenly the dad, barks a command at the kid, jolting everyone – “TALK!!!”

The kid, who’s reaching for a red slush freezes in place, silent, unsure if the appropriate response is to burst into tears at being startled.

Then, as if on delayed command, the kids speaks. One word softly: ‘ow.’

Completely seriously, he exclaims, “There, you see! I told you he was smart.”

As I’m stepping off the curb, I hear someone else at the table say, “Dude, come on. First of all, that’s not even baby talk. Second of all, I saw you pinch him.”